Body In Revolt

As I put the glass of wine down in front of the cocksucking business shit man, it hits...it's like I missed a breath and all of a sudden all of the energy is sucked out of me. My eyes feel like they shoot to the back of my head and everything is surreal. I make it back behind the bar but I felt like I was walking through darkness, in full light. A few regulars are hanging out. One of them asks me, "you alright?" He saw the mood swing or my demeanor shift. We were just joking about Iran a minute ago and now I can barely talk. "I don't know, I feel weird, a little short of breath suddenly," I say like I just ran a marathon. "Like a panic attack" he said. "Yeah, I think I'm having a panic attack...or a stroke." "I've been dealing with that for 50 years now. I can't figure it out. I've been living in misery but I'm trying yoga." This guy used to be an alcoholic. When he quit, the panic set in. Maybe that's how this story is going. But I don't want to be an asshole. I try to clean up. The more sober I am, the more I can feel those strange pains you feel when you get older. Twenty years of fucking drinking. I stop for three days and exercise and take vitamins and I feel like I'm having a fucking heart attack. Maybe I never noticed all the shit that was going on inside because I was always drunk or hungover. Maybe I just didn't give a shit. The moment you realize you want to live, something reminds you how close to death you always are. I can tell my blood, my heart, my lungs, don't give out on me today, today I will clean up, exercise, eat right...but your organs don't fucking care about you anymore. Now they are the punks. "We want the whiskey!" they scream. You find a reason to live, you walk outside and find a thousand reasons to die. Then you lay down and feel like your innards are participating in a fucking war. Riots. Fires. Grab the bottle. Grab the pills, make that pain stop. But you don't want to die. You just don't want the pain or the thirst. But the two are connected. You don't want to be miserable, but you're alive, so there is no choice.
Alright, enough of that shit.